Yesterday was a Sunday that was one for the books. Aside from an incident that had happened to me, seeing a friend whom I had bad experiences with in the past and was able to forgive them with my heart, God was able to answer questions that have been lingering in my mind for quite some time now. To be honest, I have been restless for weeks, nay, months because of these questions and thoughts, and this Sunday, on God’s day, one by one God had answered my questions.
Here are the questions I’ve been ruminating and the internalizations I have realized:
1. Why am I still single after all these years?
There are some who knows the back story of my love life. I would give you, my readers the whole story, but it’s just too time consuming to read for this post, so I’ll save it for another time. Basically, the gist of it is this: I still had feelings for my ex (which was my first boyfriend/ puppy love in high school) and it’s been 11 years since when we broke up and I had trouble moving on. Mostly because he was my ideal guy and in comparison with the guys I met after, I realized he was the only guy who set my standards way too high. Which I thought was the reason I have been single for this long after our relationship. I won’t lie, I’ve dated a bunch of guys after him but it never did flourish into a relationship because some of them weren’t really boyfriend material, and I was in a broken place back then so I did things that were wrong, which hurt me as well.
However, one thing remained after all those bad experiences, was my faith. I would be reminded of Jeremiah 29:11, that God gives me a hope and a bright future and that His plans are not to harm me but make me prosper. Some people would say it’s a verse for careers, but it can also be true for singleness. And yesterday I was reminded of that after I attended an engagement celebration of a beautiful couple, and I was blessed by their love story. “There is a reward in waiting.” the groom-to-be said, and not only did he meant to say it for the couples, but for the singles in the room too. With that, I am holding on to that promise of God to me. And I am excited to see what He has in store for me as I await on His best.
2. Was I really in love with my ex?
This question popped in my head friday last week when I went out with my good friend and we celebrated her birthday. We went out for dinner and had a heart to heart conversation. I didn’t expect to actually pour out my heart and come clean with what I have been struggling for sometime now – and that is having a peaceful mind. I have been restless ever since I believed I’ve had closure for the feelings that I had with my past love. I actually sent a long message of closure after all these years and I don’t even think it mattered to him but it absolutely mattered to me so I sent it him anyway, even though we completely broke up in 2008. And yes, that was in high school 11 years ago. You would think that people could move on, some people do, but not me. However I did eventually. But what got me thinking, and it was a topic of our conversation during dinner, was if I really fell in love with him? And was it love that got me lingering after all these years? After careful thought, and I won’t go into details because some of them are pretty personal. I don’t think I loved him as a person, but I loved the idea of him.
I loved the idea of having your crush to actually be your boyfriend in high school. The idea of the romantic dates of innocent and puppy love, whether he taught me guitar in the hallway or that we danced in an empty auditorium with heaphones in our ear listening to High school musical love songs. The idea that he actually rode a bike from his house to the airport before sending me away to Canada. It’s all grand gestures, but was it really love? And I realized, no. The idea of love, yes. But then reality sinks in and you get the bigger picture. Which is we were two old loves, who grew up learning to love different things. Time as well wasn’t on our side. And I finally moved on, maybe.
Which brings me to my next questions.
3. I like this guy, but is it going somewhere? And if it does, am I ready for it?
I just want to say first and foremost, God really does answer prayers. I remember a year ago, I was crying in my room studying for a test, I was about to graduate college that time, I was weeping and praying to God, “Lord, when will this longing end? When will you let me move on?” Some people think moving on can be easy if you just meet someone and date them and you’ll be fine. But to me that’s not the case. It takes a while for me to get attached with someone who has a huge impact in my life. And so naturally, it takes time to break free from them as well. Though I am learning now to be strong, the old me was otherwise. And friends, after that message to my ex of closure. Let me tell you, someone came in the picture and I am able to hope again. Hope in a sense of, not necessarily having a relationship with this guy, but how God works in my life which make me believe that He really hears me. He just answers in His time and His plan and His way. Yes, I like a guy now, but I realized after attending church yesterday, these questions were answered. I’m not sure where this experience will lead me, but I know for sure, that God wants me to think of good thoughts, and guard my heart and mind, so that I may glorify Him. So in terms of readiness, I will know if I am ready when God allows it. And for now, I will pursue God because He pursues me recklessly and endlessly.
That Sunday, wow, was really a blessing. And I hope, my readers, that you will be blessed by my realizations as well.
‘Til the next time.